dishonesty

I'm just gonna say it: I've often considered myself as a nice, social, well-balanced person.
It was only a few days ago that I discovered that I could be grumpy in presence of people other than my family. And last night I discovered that I often agreed with people just to avoid further discussions (okay, Alvin, maybe not so much with you).

When I started translating for mission groups and seminar speakers, I was still young. I would be interacting with a group 24/7 and I would think they would forever remember me. But of course, that rarely happened as they parted back to their busy lives after a week of missions, and I'd be pouring my time and heart to different people almost every other week. Then I was tired. I was tired of so many people taking my heart and not giving anything in return. Not even a hi. So I learned how to interact with people without being too attached to them.

I'm not too proud of my skill of befriending many people without emotionally being attached to them. Don't get me wrong, I deeply care for my friends and will be there for them no matter what. But no one really knows what's going on in my life..internally.

Two nights ago, I had one of the most amazing conversations with Esther. I started the conversation of "a girl meets a boy" and God led it to an intimate spiritual conversation. We ended up talking about tongues, prayers, and spiritual manifests. What a gracious night. But it also reminded me of the fact that I hadn't opened up myself with someone else for too long.

Maybe I'm not that nice after all. Maybe I'm just so used to please people that I naturally look nice. Or maybe by pleasing people for so long, I have become nice.
Maybe I'm not that social after all. Maybe I've acquired social skills only to avoid pouring my heart out to people.
Maybe I'm not that well-balanced after all. That's the compliment that my parents and close friends often gave me, but maybe I managed to deceive everyone somehow. I constantly question God for many things that happen in the world and in my life, without being able to balance my own principals and actions.

But I'm trying. To genuinely be interested in people, and to start opening up little by little. To admit that I hate being vulnerable. And not to be afraid of being vulnerable. To be honest. To be crystal clear with my friends, as clearly as my expressed emotions on my face. To let and invite people into my life.