"Is it right to date a person you can't see yourself married to?" Megan asked in hopes of solidifying her own opinion for her class.
"Yes," I answered without hesitating. "As long as your intentions aren't abusive, it's worth it for the sake of knowing the other person better. You get to know a person at a different level once you start dating and who knows? Maybe you could see yourself married to him then. Besides, you can date someone you can see yourself married to and find out he's a complete jerk."
Megan chuckled in agreement.
"Wow. And I don't even follow my own thoughts!" I said my surprise out loud.
It was Lydia whose impact changed my perspective. She is always genuinely interested in getting to know people as they are. She would make you feel so comfortable that you'll start telling her everything. She can relate to anyone, anything. So you'll listen to her stories, laugh along, and you'll know her. A beautiful relationship-driven person that she is, she won't forget memories she shared with you. But more importantly, she won't forget you.
"Don't waste your time with the wrong guys. Wait for the God-anointed person and marry him," a doctor's wife I translated for advised when my friends were encouraging me to date as many guys as possible for the experience. And since I didn't want to date guys for experience, I had unconsciously followed the lady's advice.
And here I was, in my twenties, unhesitatingly saying it is right to date "seemingly unmarriageable" guys, for the sake of knowing them better. Because you can't possibly waste your time getting to know someone. Because each individual is worth knowing better, worth your time, energy, and possibly even your marriage delay.
...right?
I would say, first of all, that (surprisingly to everyone, me most of all) my perspectives have changed slightly since my time in LA (I know, I know...it was only a month ago). I would NOT say that marriage has to be a factor in the choice of a dating relationship. I personally don't see myself getting married ever, but that doesn't mean I won't have boyfriends. HOWEVER, a few amendments/suggestions I have since realized (the hard way) and adopted for myself:
ReplyDelete1. BE HONEST with everyone. In all things. Be honest with your intentions, be honest with your emotions, be honest in regards to physical involvement. If you and a guy are not on the same page, things can get mighty painful.
2. DO NOT RUSH. You can never take enough time to get to know someone. This may be difficult to swallow, but I have spoken with many married women who have said to me that they got married without really knowing that guy and that, although they will stay together because they value the sacrament of marriage and are willing to work things out, they would have probably not married that particular person if they had gotten to know them better. In other words, even bad choices of spouses can be saved with god's help, but try your darndest to TAKE YOUR TIME and choose wisely.
3. Don't let other people tell you what you should be doing. Don't let them tell you that you should be with someone or that you shouldn't be with someone. Look to your heart (in which God lives) and make your own choices. Seriously. You will be better because of it.
And here is where my views have stayed the same/in agreement with what you wrote here:
YES YES YES; people are worth getting to know! Oh my gosh, I would so much rather go on dates with (have good conversations with) a hundred guys than find someone too quickly and let myself be fooled into thinking I need to be married right now.
This was a novel. Sorry! This has just really been on my heart lately. I love you Hani!
So, more dates, less "dating."
ReplyDeleteI approve.
I like the direction you're headed. Here's the question though (in particular regarding Lydia's focus on getting to know people and also honesty): how possible is that for those of us who run part of our social life in christian college bubbles?
ReplyDeleteI could walk across campus with a friend and by the time I got to the other side the rumor mill would be screaming marriage. At the same time I don't think "Hi, I'd like to buy you dinner Tuesday, but that doesn't mean I'm planning on marrying you" is the greatest pickup line. (Yeah, I know there's some middle ground, but pardon the exageration for a moment.)
So, how/is more dates/less dating possible in a setting where too many people can't imagine a cup of coffee that doesn't lead to marriage?
You and your pickup lines, Gabe. I thought I had convinced you not to even try to use pickup lines.
ReplyDeleteI say that among those people, you might find someone who may share that "cup of coffee." And from then on, you would have your own story to tell. Or maybe they might change your mind. And I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing (or wrong, for that matter).
Even you admitted that one line had some merit ;)
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