Ellah Acosta

"Aaaa, me voy a morir Andres, me voy a morir."
"No te vas a morir, Vero. Respira."
"No si, si me voy a morir. Aaaa ya ya ya ya"
And I just stood there thinking I was never going to have a baby.
It was too intense and painful to be in the room. I felt powerless and useless as I couldn't share the pain. So I excused myself and called my mom.

"But what if she really dies? What about the baby? What about Andres? What should I do? What can I do?" I was freaking out.
"I said that too twice and I'm still alive. She'll be fine, don't worry," said my mom so calmly and naturally. I wanted to believe her but the painful moans and screams were more real to me.
Time went by too slow. When I first got the news that she might have the baby today, I was simply excited. Then nervous. Then worried. Then anxious.

It was 2:30pm and we all thought the baby would be born at around 10 or 11pm. Vero and Andres had been in the hospital since 7am. And apparently, Vero was about to die--or so she screamed. And she gave birth to Ellah Acosta at 3:48pm. Ana and Tazz came at 4pm and we waited together in the family lounge. We talked about how Mimi would have loved to be there with us and how beautiful the baby was going to be (also how beautiful Ana's baby would be if she had one). And we were right. Ellah Acosta (middle name to be determined yet) was beautiful.7 lbs 10 oz. 21.5 inches.

I couldn't stop smiling in awe. And when I finally managed to take my eyes off Ellah, I noticed how exhausted yet relieved her parents looked. Parents. Suddenly Andres and Vero seemed so much more mature than me.

"Your family is complete now!" I said joyfully.
"No...one is still missing," Andres said looking at Ellah lovingly.
"No, Andres. It is complete. I never wanna go through the labor again," Vero said, still in pain.
Andres stayed in silence smiling. "We'll see," his smile seemed to say.

We thanked God for Ellah was born healthy and strong, and not with six fingers (Andres' fear) or three fingers (Vero's fear). We thanked God for Vero's hunger and pain, reminding us that she was, after all, still alive.

dating worthy

"Is it right to date a person you can't see yourself married to?" Megan asked in hopes of solidifying her own opinion for her class.
"Yes," I answered without hesitating. "As long as your intentions aren't abusive, it's worth it for the sake of knowing the other person better. You get to know a person at a different level once you start dating and who knows? Maybe you could see yourself married to him then. Besides, you can date someone you can see yourself married to and find out he's a complete jerk."
Megan chuckled in agreement.
"Wow. And I don't even follow my own thoughts!" I said my surprise out loud.

It was Lydia whose impact changed my perspective. She is always genuinely interested in getting to know people as they are. She would make you feel so comfortable that you'll start telling her everything. She can relate to anyone, anything. So you'll listen to her stories, laugh along, and you'll know her. A beautiful relationship-driven person that she is, she won't forget memories she shared with you. But more importantly, she won't forget you.

"Don't waste your time with the wrong guys. Wait for the God-anointed person and marry him," a doctor's wife I translated for advised when my friends were encouraging me to date as many guys as possible for the experience. And since I didn't want to date guys for experience, I had unconsciously followed the lady's advice.
And here I was, in my twenties, unhesitatingly saying it is right to date "seemingly unmarriageable" guys, for the sake of knowing them better. Because you can't possibly waste your time getting to know someone. Because each individual is worth knowing better, worth your time, energy, and possibly even your marriage delay.

...right?

haunting questions

My day started at 3:30am today.
Tired of tossing and turning, I decided to get out of my comfy bed and be productive.
I used our big clean bathroom, checked missed calls and texts on my cellphone, turned my Mac on, uploaded pictures, and listened to pastor Tim Chaddik on iTunes while eating Activia and a bowl of cereal.
I put lotion all over my body and wondered what I should wear. A sweater? A jacket? A vest? Pants? Leggings? Boots? Canvas? A hat? Which one though: black? white? blue? pink? long? short? Should I carry a yellow purse? No, it's such a summer color. Black purse is too small (but not as small as my brown or black clutch) to put any textbook in. I should get my orange backpack out. I should wear earrings. But not a necklace. I'll wear a scarf instead.
I tucked my iPod with its red cover in the pocket and went to register. I bumped into Alice and went to have my second breakfast at her place.
Then I went to my first class in a room full of computers, two projectors and screens.
A brief training for work, sharing stories with some friends, more classes, then work. My suitcase finally arrived (I felt no need for anything even with my suitcase missing for 2 days) so I took the tripod and mics to prof. Volker's office. After satisfying dinner, I started unpacking--mostly gifts for my loved ones, dirty clothing, and camera charger. Would they like their gifts? Would they find use of these gifts? Do they need them?It still breaks my heart that I had to keep so many things to myself in the slums: mineral water, bracelet, necklace, shoes, cash, digital camera, notebook, pens... Things I have more than plenty of, yet things these little kids stared at in awe, things they couldn't stop peaking at, things they chased after. We were specifically told not to give anything away unless we can give it to everyone. Impossible.
"Can I look at your pen?" A kid asked while the other kid was playing with my camera.
"Of course!" I gave him my pen and was looking for a moment to get away, "accidently" forgetting my pen and camera in their hands. I have many other pens and another camera in the States. But I was too late.
"It's very pretty," praised the kid as he returned the pen. Gosh, kid. You're not helping.
"This is dead now," said the other kid with my camera. The batteries. He handed it back to me as if it had lost its value.
"Asante," I thanked both of them and put the items back in my sling bag Lem had given me.
What bad have they done that they have to go through such despair?
What good have I done to enjoy Cheez-It even as I write this?

let it be

"Hani, you better be careful touching the kids. Most of them are HIV positive and who knows what other diseases they might have," said the captain of a NGO medical staff.
"Thanks," I smiled and lifted another kid to receive him into my arms.
"Well, I'm just warning you. You gotta learn how to say no to these kids."
"Yeah, I do need to learn to say no," I said, wishing these kids wouldn't understand English.
I didn't want to say no. Why would I refuse to hold kids? Not only was I there to capture the ministries but also to share and receive love. How could anyone possibly reject to have this so needed warmth anyway? I held the kid even tighter.
"If I die hugging a kid," Danielle started the sentence affirming my theory on our way back to our comfortable guest house.
"Let it be," I completed it.

left behind

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!" we stood there, shouting with joy. Then we looked at each other and kept shouting, hugging, and hopping. My 5 former roommates were still beautiful and lively. Suddenly my long, dreadful journey to Iowa found its worth.

"What took you so long!!?!?" exclaimed Joel, hug-lifting me. I used to dislike it. It made me feel like a little child dependent on this tall, strong figure. But I didn't care this time.
"Is that a mint? I thought you got a piercing on your tongue in LA. Hey, you never know!" he said with his pierced lips. After finishing up his engineering studies, he wants to go to a grad school for Technical Theatre. Awesome.

"Hani so Yaaaang!" Alex and Nate shouted out and gave me a hesitant hug in the hallway, instantly bringing all the fun memories.
"How much did you miss me? Say, on a scale of 1 to 10?" Nate asked few days later and I hesitated. When he had told me about his drastic change, I wanted to fly back and listen to him so badly. But then, we'd forget each other, busy with our own journeys. His lifestyle has changed drastically and I can't wait to hear his new songs and great testimonies in 3 weeks.

"Stand up!" Alvin gently demanded and gave me a hug. We had been talking so constantly while I was away that I didn't feel like we were apart at all. And it was too early. But still, it was good to see him.

Seth had grown up. Funny, he's only 7 months younger but I could tell he had become even more mature within the past year we hadn't seen each other. All the traveling would do it.

Sam, Alice, Sae Mee, Vero, and the Shims were too familiar. I felt like I was coming back home to them after a short break. Had I ever left this place? Travis talking about...engineering stuff, Emily's sweet chitchat, Kate talking about her future with Nic, literary and honest chat with Laura and Sonya, playing a super random board game with Kelsey and Brit, and naming the zebra thingy on my cellphone with Alex. I needed this. Not all movie-oriented, warm and deeply caring people. I hadn't realized how much, how badly I had missed them until I saw them.
Then I was left behind and it was time to say goodbye again.

My former roommates and I stood in silence, trying to smile and avoid the tears. 3 of them will be student teaching next semester away from home--both where their family is and where their friends are. We each said a heartfelt prayer out loud, tightly hugging in a circle at 1am. But I didn't cry as much as I did at the LAFSC banquet. I will see them soon. So soon that I won't even remember why we had said a tearful goodbye.

“I’m DD tonight”

I explained why I couldn’t accept his drink, a gloriously truthful excuse.
A wonderful and funny dancer offered to get us a cab and I gently refused and he would get a couple of shots and come back to dance with us. And no one questioned me except Jay, a guy in sushi business who looked like David, ironically sitting next to a guy that looked like Paul. I almost looked around to see an Alvin-alike.
“Right. You can’t or you choose not to?” Jay asked and invited me to go to have Korean BBQ.
"I just ate, but thanks." I really had just had pork bulgogi and spicy soon tofu. And also I barely knew him. 20 minutes tops.

What an experience.
I had never been to such a fun, interesting, clean-danced club.
Velvet Room, a Korean club, opened its doors at around 10pm and I wanted to dance the second I got in. The DJ did an awesome job mixing American pop/hiphop with Korean, and the respective music videos played on 4 big screens. It was impossible to get bored with their music as songs were never played entirely.

As we sat down, our sweet waiter Zen brought us a bottle of whiskey, two coke cans, a fruit platter (delicious pineapple, melon, orange, grapes, watermelon), and cranberry juice with shot glasses, beer glasses, plastic cups, and ice.

Super friendly waiters were busy grabbing and dragging girls to guys’ tables and the guys would offer drinks to girls and start conversations. They call this “booking.” So weird. You should go clubbing while in Korea, Elijah, if you haven’t yet. It’s very different.

The dance floor was fairly big and people weren’t dancing low to the song “Low.” And it took more than 15minutes of dancing in small circles for the guys to TRY to dance right behind me. And with the slightest gesture of “not interested” they would back off and wait for a better timing or find another girl. Security guards were watching out for sexual harassment (I’m assuming) in each side of the dance floor. And oh my…these guys danced with such a style in their chic clothing that I wondered why I hadn’t thought of coming to Korean clubs before.

I loved every second of it until this Brian started getting too close to me. He wasn’t too bad considering I was in a club and it was getting late and people were getting tipsier. But I was having such a great time with my respected space that he bothered me even more.

As much as I loved dancing there, Brian made me realize I was still too naïve to want to go there again. I wish there were dancing places where people solely go to dance and not to hit on girls.
Maybe I will try a salsa club this weekend. There should be a lot more proper dancing involved there. I hope.

holiness

"F!" I thought and I surprised myself.
What the heck! Did I just think that?
How long before I say that out loud? Dang it.
Without realizing it, I started saying "stupid," "shoot," then "heck," then "dang," then "freaking" and so forth.
"F" and "S" words surround me here that my swearing list might advance.
But I don't want it to.

Christians are called to be holy, so people have their own understanding of how to be visibly different from those "of the world":
Not dancing, not drinking or smoking, not having piercings and tattoos, not swearing, not using modern technology...

"Holiness is not about being nice but it's about being new everyday," said my favorite pastor Tom, and made me reflect on my own understanding of holiness.
I never considered myself holy but I thought I would get there by being nice, when it's really about killing my flesh and being reborn everyday. Set apart for Him, ready to do His will.

"What the heck! This is freaking embarrassing." I said out loud just an hour ago in "Ninja Assassin" premiere. I had been proud of my ethnicity until a couple of hours ago. These Asian girls were screaming and clapping every time Rain was on screen, no matter what he was doing (mostly disgustingly bloody violent stuff. No. I didn't like the film and I knew I wouldn't like it although I secretly hoped I would).
It wasn't necessary. They were super annoying but I didn't have to use those words. I could have just made my face in the darkness and not say those words.
But I did because I keep falling all the time.
Because I've been compromising myself for too long that my standards have been lowered.
Dang it.