Han.

It started with Pastor Ventura.
He started calling me "Hani" when I first met him and it stuck with me since then.
But people who had met me before then knew me as "Han," short for Han Gyeul.
And this year, I got to see and spend some time with some of those people.

Yes, that's you:
You who met me even before I knew how to ask a proper question in Spanish.
You who welcomed me into your little cliques regardless.
You who grew up with me in height and in maturity, who went through the horrible hurricane Isidoro, who were sitting in class when Armando came in to break the terrible news of 9/11.
You who gave me many rides home after parties since my parents would sleep early.
And you, who helped me grow up, encouraged and shaped me in my adolescent years.


Now we are talking about further studies, jobs, future, and ideal spouse.
We don't reminiscence so much but we talk present. We talk future.
We remember our past together without saying much about it. We play with several ideas to see each other again.


It was weird to be called "Han" again after so long, but it felt good, it felt right.
It felt good knowing that you still treat me as if we had been in constant touch,
that you still show more respect than jealousy,
that you still care.

Due the limited time of my stay, I didn't get to see all the people I wanted to see.
Please accept my apology and know that Merida is so much more than its exquisite food and beautiful centro because of you. Each corner paints a memory in my mind and your yucateco accent brings me comfort.

I realized how much I had missed you the instance I saw you.
I realized how much I would miss Merida the instance I heard your latest news.
Let us try our best wherever we are, hoping our paths will cross again, knowing that we can always count on each other.

time to say goodbye

It started with John Williams and

it ended with A.R. Rahman

with Barry Manilow in between.

Hollywood Bowl was astonishing and fun as always

a great way to start and end a journey.

Developed friendships

deepened friendships

and new learning every day.

But all beginnings have endings

and this is it.

Goodbye, LA.

art

"Art is that thing having to do only with itself--the product of a successful attempt to make a work of art. Unfortunately, there are no examples of art, nor good reasons to think that ti will ever exist. (Everything that has been made has been made with a purpose, everything with an end that exists outside that thing, i.e., I want to sell this, or I want this to make me famous and loved, or I want this to make me whole, or worse, I want this to make others whole.) And yet we continue to write, paint, sculpt, and compose. Is this foolish of us?"

-Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer

Grace Getting Married

"Congratulations,"I said to the rabbi-looking guy two seats away from me.

Because some empty seats were available, a flight attendant had asked me to move to a different seat so the heavier couple could travel five hours more comfortably. I gladly moved to where she pointed to, where there would be an empty seat between me and the wise rabbi. As soon as I sit, he asks the flight attendant if she could move me to somewhere else. I get it. I'm not welcomed. He hadn't slept for two days, he says, see, his daughter got just married.

"I'm coming from a wedding too," I continued.

"Your daughter's too?" He asked without any hesitation, thank you very much.

"No. A close friend's."

Grace Jeong has been married for awhile now. Grace and her husband Joe decided to have a wedding reception in New Jersey, for those who could not attend the one in Korea in January. I first saw her in the bride's room at the reception, not having seen her for over two years. She looked like a Mrs. Kwalk, in her Korean traditional dress Hanbok and all curled-up hair, touching up her make up. Then I met Joe for the first time--he seemed like a sweet romantic guy I'd been hearing about, and had seen in pictures.

They had a cocktail reception first, where a variety of warm and cold food and bars were available. The siblings, Angela and John, greeted the guests by the entrance, and the couple in their Hanboks greeted and briefly talked to them inside. James, Harah, and I were asked to take pictures to document this memorable event, so we kept ourselves busy, while feeding each other.

After an hour or two, we were led into the dining room, and we went to the designated table. Lit candles, classic songs, beautiful flowers greeted us, as we waited for the couple and their family to enter. And when they entered, we gave a big applause (I think I might have screamed. A lot.) and they dance. GRACE gave a classic waltz performance. Unfortunately, I forget the songs they danced to, because I was too nervous for her. She was nervous in her now-changed short white dress with an elegant hair pin, in the hands of her husband, trying to compose herself. It was beautiful, full of emotions.

Then as they sat, Angela, John, Dan, and I were asked to give speeches leading to a toast to this lovely couple. And I don't quite remember the details before and after this: Grace and Joe kissed. For a looooooong time. Or it seemed like a long time.

Now, some of you may remember how sensitive Grace was with touching. If you ever got a two-armed hug from her (as opposed to one armed, which she mostly did), you are lucky. She even hesitated to shake hands. So from what I remember, this kiss was a shy, yet passionately loooong kiss. Harah and I went "aaaaaaww! aaaw aww awelfuhlskdjfgnkjhalerug!!"

"Get married soon, so we can talk!" Grace emphasized several times. She feels with all the right reasons, that she has reached the next and the most important stage in her life. And its experience can not be shared as other subjects would, with those without experience. But in the meantime, I'll be here for when she needs a good listener, a friend, and a sister in the US (her two sisters are in Korea).

Grace is fun to be around.

She endlessly came up with random things to say and do, and all of us enjoyed being around her.

Grace is talented.

She had come to the States to pursue further studies in Church Music with pipe organ being her specialty. In front of the pipe organ, her small hands and feet would gently yet powerfully touch the deep range of its chords, creating a magnificent melody echoing in the biggest auditorium in campus.

Grace is direct.

When she got hooked to the Maruchan Vietnamese sauce, she would tell me to use only a little bit of it so she can save more for later. She would tell me how grateful I should be that she'd share her then-favorite-chocolate Almond Hershey's. Before she left, and I was all teared up, she would tell me how much she'd miss me, and how much she appreciated.

Grace is married.

remembering mi tio Ventura

"Adam had looked at Samuel in his casket

and knew that he didn't want him to be dead.

And since the face in the casket did not look like Samuel's face,

Adam walked away to be by himself

and to preserve the man alive."

-John Steinbeck East of Eden

2010 Closure

"But then you wouldn't be able to get attached to anyone," I said when Eunsoo explained the way NBC's "Sing-Off" worked.
"You do. You really do," Eunsoo said with a satisfied smile.
And that was the night I started.

I've always found A Capella fascinating, and this show flourished my kin to the genre. Most performances gave me chill and an oh-my-gosh-how-did-they-do-that smile in awe. I clapped along the audience, as if I were there, I grooved along the singers, and oh man, was I attached. After two episodes. Two episodes. Was it after four episodes? When I started to get attached to Will and Evan on So You Think You Can Dance?

Mind you, I'm so attached that I haven't been able to watch the final episode. The only one that America gets to judge, supposedly (I'm somewhat very cynical about this): I don't want to see a winner group, especially to find out that my least favorite group would win, because, well, let's face it, they're the largest group by this point, and they all would have many many friends, because they seem like cool people. Is this here where I should say that there's no spoilers in this post?

Here's my favorite, favorite part of the show: their swan song. They don't have those cheesy teary goodbyes they do in most of the competition shows (American Idol, ehem). It's soooooo dear, classy, lovely, and fun sometimes. And they're doing what they're great at: singing a capella. Geez, how I love it. You can just tell, by their closure to the compeition, that they have grown already, that they are thankful, and that they don't do regrets. "What is there to cry for?" they seem to say. "I've paid my dues, and I'm leaving inspired to grow, and to be better. So goodbye, y'all."

It's the end of the year, and many things happened. Yes, things always happen. But hey, I graduated! (so I can go to grad school some day.) I'm working now! (No. Not the kind of job that would save me money to go to grad school anytime soon.) Alvin and I are dating! (Yeah, yeah..you were all right. You all saw it before us.) I moved to LA! (and Alvin to Korea, hence the friggin long distance relationship.)

While I was in college, heck, even before that. As I was translating in big and small stages for conferences and seminars and church services, I imagined I would shine on the larger stage called Society. And to somewhat degree, I may have in college, thanks to its size (uhm, small), and to its kind and encouraging people. And I pridely thought that I would shine even more, that I just needed to find the right stage.

As I was watching "Sing-Off," I found myself paying more attention to the background voices. The little 'bum-bums,' voice cellos, and harmonies that are set to shine the lead singer's voice. Courtney is my favorite character by far in the show, the way she moves and beatboxes. Some of you may know that I TRIED (please note the emphasis on "tried") beatboxing and, and if you do, you know how that went. So all my respects. Plus she is so pretty and cute!
Jeremy, Jerry, and Committed members make my heart ache. Their passion, love for music, and commitment. And I look at myself. How shine without any effort or commitment or passion?

I once told Eunsoo that I admired her for going after her dream, what she loves doing, and is so fortunate to be so good at it. And I meant it. I'm experiencing what happens when a person, the kind who's always tight on schedule, loses a sight of her lifetime goal. Things seem meaningless. But I've done way too much whinning this year. I'm getting back on the track, now. Inspired by "Sing-Off," and the witty David Sedaris. It's time for me to say goodbye to my somewhat gloomy 2010 a la "Sing-Off."

"What is there to cry for?" I say. "I've paid my dues, and I'm leaving you behind, inspired to grow, and to be better. So goodbye, you 2010."

compromises

I think it happens about twice a year.

I call up my parents frequently, something I neglect to do so often, to ask for some advice and prayers. It was about transferring schools in my freshman year. It was about where to spend vacations. It was about getting a car. It was about what to do with the used car. It was about how to get to places. It was about getting another used car. It was about job offers. It was about a job I didn't get. It was about loneliness. It was about my future plans.

Small decisions gear the bigger ones,

and the bigger ones can be life-changing.

There are regrets and "what-if's," but life goes on.

Too many compromises in life, for it to go on in a safer way.

I used to be told that I could do whatever my heart desired to, and I believed it. I thought I could and would do whatever I put my heart to.

But this society says that I can't. It shows me that it cannot be done.

"What does your heart really desire anyway?" it whispers.

"I don't know! I don't know anymore!" I cry out, and I compromise.