Let it Rain

time to say goodbye

2011-07-13T04:37:00.003-06:00

It started with John Williams and

it ended with A.R. Rahman

with Barry Manilow in between.

Hollywood Bowl was astonishing and fun as always

a great way to start and end a journey.

Developed friendships

deepened friendships

and new learning every day.

But all beginnings have endings

and this is it.

Goodbye, LA.

art

2011-05-25T11:33:00.003-06:00

"Art is that thing having to do only with itself--the product of a successful attempt to make a work of art. Unfortunately, there are no examples of art, nor good reasons to think that ti will ever exist. (Everything that has been made has been made with a purpose, everything with an end that exists outside that thing, i.e., I want to sell this, or I want this to make me famous and loved, or I want this to make me whole, or worse, I want this to make others whole.) And yet we continue to write, paint, sculpt, and compose. Is this foolish of us?"

-Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer

letter of resignation

2011-05-02T21:52:00.003-06:00

Strange was the feeling

Dull was my emotion

Professional my quitting words

Sincere the wishful ending.

Excited a little

for the adventurous road is ahead of me

Worried a little

for that road is full of uncertainties.

still here but

2011-05-01T16:37:00.004-06:00

Make sure you say hi to me.

Make sure you contact me more often.

Because one day there will be a

"Boom,"

And I will be gone.

Grace Getting Married

2011-03-24T20:23:00.006-06:00

"Congratulations,"I said to the rabbi-looking guy two seats away from me.

Because some empty seats were available, a flight attendant had asked me to move to a different seat so the heavier couple could travel five hours more comfortably. I gladly moved to where she pointed to, where there would be an empty seat between me and the wise rabbi. As soon as I sit, he asks the flight attendant if she could move me to somewhere else. I get it. I'm not welcomed. He hadn't slept for two days, he says, see, his daughter got just married.

"I'm coming from a wedding too," I continued.

"Your daughter's too?" He asked without any hesitation, thank you very much.

"No. A close friend's."

Grace Jeong has been married for awhile now. Grace and her husband Joe decided to have a wedding reception in New Jersey, for those who could not attend the one in Korea in January. I first saw her in the bride's room at the reception, not having seen her for over two years. She looked like a Mrs. Kwalk, in her Korean traditional dress Hanbok and all curled-up hair, touching up her make up. Then I met Joe for the first time--he seemed like a sweet romantic guy I'd been hearing about, and had seen in pictures.

They had a cocktail reception first, where a variety of warm and cold food and bars were available. The siblings, Angela and John, greeted the guests by the entrance, and the couple in their Hanboks greeted and briefly talked to them inside. James, Harah, and I were asked to take pictures to document this memorable event, so we kept ourselves busy, while feeding each other.

After an hour or two, we were led into the dining room, and we went to the designated table. Lit candles, classic songs, beautiful flowers greeted us, as we waited for the couple and their family to enter. And when they entered, we gave a big applause (I think I might have screamed. A lot.) and they dance. GRACE gave a classic waltz performance. Unfortunately, I forget the songs they danced to, because I was too nervous for her. She was nervous in her now-changed short white dress with an elegant hair pin, in the hands of her husband, trying to compose herself. It was beautiful, full of emotions.

Then as they sat, Angela, John, Dan, and I were asked to give speeches leading to a toast to this lovely couple. And I don't quite remember the details before and after this: Grace and Joe kissed. For a looooooong time. Or it seemed like a long time.

Now, some of you may remember how sensitive Grace was with touching. If you ever got a two-armed hug from her (as opposed to one armed, which she mostly did), you are lucky. She even hesitated to shake hands. So from what I remember, this kiss was a shy, yet passionately loooong kiss. Harah and I went "aaaaaaww! aaaw aww awelfuhlskdjfgnkjhalerug!!"

"Get married soon, so we can talk!" Grace emphasized several times. She feels with all the right reasons, that she has reached the next and the most important stage in her life. And its experience can not be shared as other subjects would, with those without experience. But in the meantime, I'll be here for when she needs a good listener, a friend, and a sister in the US (her two sisters are in Korea).

Grace is fun to be around.

She endlessly came up with random things to say and do, and all of us enjoyed being around her.

Grace is talented.

She had come to the States to pursue further studies in Church Music with pipe organ being her specialty. In front of the pipe organ, her small hands and feet would gently yet powerfully touch the deep range of its chords, creating a magnificent melody echoing in the biggest auditorium in campus.

Grace is direct.

When she got hooked to the Maruchan Vietnamese sauce, she would tell me to use only a little bit of it so she can save more for later. She would tell me how grateful I should be that she'd share her then-favorite-chocolate Almond Hershey's. Before she left, and I was all teared up, she would tell me how much she'd miss me, and how much she appreciated.

Grace is married.

for my dear uncle and the pastor Ventura

2011-03-07T20:04:00.007-07:00

"Adam had looked at Samuel in his casket

and knew that he didn't want him to be dead.

And since the face in the casket did not look like Samuel's face,

Adam walked away to be by himself

and to preserve the man alive."

-John Steinbeck East of Eden

live.

2011-02-11T00:17:00.004-07:00

"Everybody dies but not everybody lives," whose song was this?

Live.

And I take a deep breath.

Live.

And I open my swollen eyes, just to close them to

imagine to live.

And I hint a sad smile.

2010 Closure

2010-12-27T23:07:00.009-07:00

"But then you wouldn't be able to get attached to anyone," I said when Eunsoo explained the way NBC's "Sing-Off" worked.
"You do. You really do," Eunsoo said with a satisfied smile.
And that was the night I started.

I've always found A Capella fascinating, and this show flourished my kin to the genre. Most performances gave me chill and an oh-my-gosh-how-did-they-do-that smile in awe. I clapped along the audience, as if I were there, I grooved along the singers, and oh man, was I attached. After two episodes. Two episodes. Was it after four episodes? When I started to get attached to Will and Evan on So You Think You Can Dance?

Mind you, I'm so attached that I haven't been able to watch the final episode. The only one that America gets to judge, supposedly (I'm somewhat very cynical about this): I don't want to see a winner group, especially to find out that my least favorite group would win, because, well, let's face it, they're the largest group by this point, and they all would have many many friends, because they seem like cool people. Is this here where I should say that there's no spoilers in this post?

Here's my favorite, favorite part of the show: their swan song. They don't have those cheesy teary goodbyes they do in most of the competition shows (American Idol, ehem). It's soooooo dear, classy, lovely, and fun sometimes. And they're doing what they're great at: singing a capella. Geez, how I love it. You can just tell, by their closure to the compeition, that they have grown already, that they are thankful, and that they don't do regrets. "What is there to cry for?" they seem to say. "I've paid my dues, and I'm leaving inspired to grow, and to be better. So goodbye, y'all."

It's the end of the year, and many things happened. Yes, things always happen. But hey, I graduated! (so I can go to grad school some day.) I'm working now! (No. Not the kind of job that would save me money to go to grad school anytime soon.) Alvin and I are dating! (Yeah, yeah..you were all right. You all saw it before us.) I moved to LA! (and Alvin to Korea, hence the friggin long distance relationship.)

While I was in college, heck, even before that. As I was translating in big and small stages for conferences and seminars and church services, I imagined I would shine on the larger stage called Society. And to somewhat degree, I may have in college, thanks to its size (uhm, small), and to its kind and encouraging people. And I pridely thought that I would shine even more, that I just needed to find the right stage.

As I was watching "Sing-Off," I found myself paying more attention to the background voices. The little 'bum-bums,' voice cellos, and harmonies that are set to shine the lead singer's voice. Courtney is my favorite character by far in the show, the way she moves and beatboxes. Some of you may know that I TRIED (please note the emphasis on "tried") beatboxing and, and if you do, you know how that went. So all my respects. Plus she is so pretty and cute!
Jeremy, Jerry, and Committed members make my heart ache. Their passion, love for music, and commitment. And I look at myself. How shine without any effort or commitment or passion?

I once told Eunsoo that I admired her for going after her dream, what she loves doing, and is so fortunate to be so good at it. And I meant it. I'm experiencing what happens when a person, the kind who's always tight on schedule, loses a sight of her lifetime goal. Things seem meaningless. But I've done way too much whinning this year. I'm getting back on the track, now. Inspired by "Sing-Off," and the witty David Sedaris. It's time for me to say goodbye to my somewhat gloomy 2010 a la "Sing-Off."

"What is there to cry for?" I say. "I've paid my dues, and I'm leaving you behind, inspired to grow, and to be better. So goodbye, you 2010."

compromises

2010-12-21T23:01:00.003-07:00

I think it happens about twice a year.

I call up my parents frequently, something I neglect to do so often, to ask for some advice and prayers. It was about transferring schools in my freshman year. It was about where to spend vacations. It was about getting a car. It was about what to do with the used car. It was about how to get to places. It was about getting another used car. It was about job offers. It was about a job I didn't get. It was about loneliness. It was about my future plans.

Small decisions gear the bigger ones,

and the bigger ones can be life-changing.

There are regrets and "what-if's," but life goes on.

Too many compromises in life, for it to go on in a safer way.

I used to be told that I could do whatever my heart desired to, and I believed it. I thought I could and would do whatever I put my heart to.

But this society says that I can't. It shows me that it cannot be done.

"What does your heart really desire anyway?" it whispers.

"I don't know! I don't know anymore!" I cry out, and I compromise.

this is what i do

2010-11-21T14:07:00.004-07:00

"What do you do?" Many people ask: college friends, LAFSC friends, acquaintances, family relatives, friends of family relatives, and as an introductory question when meeting new people.

I work at a nonprofit organization called Good Neighbors.

And this is my job description:

Works to sustain positive and mutually-rewarding relations between the Good Neighbors USA and its donors.
Oversees the facilitation of donor recognition and assists in the coordination of various fund raising events related activities for potential donors.

Oversee events logistics
Compose letters, compile appropriate invitation lists for events, engage featured program participant, create event programs and provide program materials

Establishes and manages donor information tracking including acknowledgments, recognitions, on-going communications and continued cultivation of past and current major donors to enhance relationships with children or projects sponsorships.
Increases the likelihood of continued contributions through personalized mailings of progress report, newsletters, and reminder letters.
Design, develop, manage and execute the bi-annual sponsored child progress reports.
Collaboratively work with Development Director and Director of E-Marking Strategy.
Update donors in both print and Web-based publications.
Additional office support as needed.

Although the organization is really big, having offices in almost 30 countries

worldwide now, the one in Los Angeles is fairly small (a lot smaller than most offices in the field) since it just started a couple of years ago. And one of the perks of working at a small office is that I get to asked to be involved in many other things that may not fit in my job description, allowing me to learn more in depth about nonprofit organization's structures and mechanics.

I am thankful for the work I do, reminded each time as I go through the updated pictures of the children from our field offices, going through their handwritten or drawn letters for their sponsors, and when I read encouraging notes from our sponsors. I have learned a lot, and am in the process of learning more, trying to make the sponsors happier with their heartly donations.

downtown art walk

2010-11-12T12:29:00.008-07:00

I got a condom for the first time. For free.

If Miracle Mile art walk got me free entry to LACMA (Los Angeles County Museum of Arts), downtown art walk displayed all sorts of art in its living form. Not losing sight of the friends in the midst of the busy streets itself was an art.

As soon as Isis pointed at her favorite building in downtown, my favorite Jay-Z song, "Empire State of Mind" started playing in the food trucks lot we were heading to. Surrounded by skyscrapers' lights, the unusual chill breeze, and inspired by the sweet melody, I felt like I was in New York. Then the oh-so-yummy smell. The lot was full of food trucks, and as Joe put it, it was about which ethnicity to go with--Argentine, Vietnamese, Korean, Chinese, American, Greek, Brazilian, Italian--all in fusion trucks (for instance, you'd ask "wanna try Korean taco or Vietnamese taco?" instead of, "you want beef taco or chicken taco?"). Not only were there meal trucks, but also boba tea truck, dessert truck, smoothie truck, among others. I could not have asked for more. And ironically, here is where Peter and I decided to try Dtox for 10 days, to go with a healthier diet. Just like good Los Angelinos.

Few photography, fun modern sculptures, cool pottery, distinctive drawings, awesome recycled art, and as usual for me, incomprehensible paintings. As if the art work display and music performances in galleries and on the streets were not enough, this culture salad of a city showcased a wide variety of people and their lifestyles. A group of people chanted, drumming, hopping around the streets in their distinctive clothing, a barber shop cranking hip hop with a DJ, hosting a dance party, many many people handing out flyers of their upcoming event or for the cause they believe in.

"Free cotton! Free cotton!"
I heard, and I happily accepted one.
"What is this?" I opened it looking for the cotton, nowhere to be found.
But there was something else, with something that read: Planned Parenthood.
"That's what they say," Joe said.

my keeper

2010-11-07T15:16:00.003-07:00

"Two to Tango" by Louis Armstrong played in my car as I drove to work from LAX, after saying a tearful goodbye to Alvin. The song that I used to bounce and dance to sounded so cruel then, left alone, again, in this deserted city.

Mandy Moore was playing this morning on the way to LAX to drop Sam off, the joyful, creative, smart, tech-savy one in the family. He was here for 2 days and a half to visit me, and I was happy, laughing at his jokes and listening to the Dordt news, feeding him the food he missed, giving him a brief tour of Hollywood.

"It's Sunday today, huh? Let's listen to some Christian music instead," Sam said in a joyful tone, like the good cheerful brother I've always known. I asked for him to put Fernando Ortega on, he put him on shuffle. "I should look him up. I like him," Sam said after two songs, just like the good lifelong friend I've always known.

I don't exactly remember since when, but saying goodbye to Sam has been hard. I always wish I could have been a better sister when we were together, and that I would have given him everything he needed. Then I feel alone. And "Give Me Jesus" by Fernando Ortega played.

In the morning, when I rise. Give me Jesus.
And when I am alone. Give me Jesus.
And when I come to die. Give me Jesus.
You can have all in this world, but give me Jesus.

Monterey, CA

2010-10-03T14:59:00.007-06:00

Wednesday, Sept. 1st. Los Angeles.
"What are you doing for the labor day weekend?"
"Nothing. You?"
"I don't know yet. I'm getting an extra day off."
"Come visit me! [pause] There's a cheap airfare on..."
"Yeah? Should I? Should I?"

Saturday, Sept. 4th. SFO airport.
"Haniiiiiiiiiiiii"
"Aaaaaaaaah"
And hugs. And greetings. And 'nice-to-meet-you' to her boyfriend. And talking.
"It doesn't feel like I hadn't seen you for awhile!"
"The last time was...last Thanksgiving when you came to visit me in LA."
Jean, her boyfriend, "That has been awhile then."
"Well, Jean, it just means that Harah didn't really miss me."
And laughter.

It has been this way for..about five years, now. Prompt decisions and appeals to travel. Harah has always been easy to talk to, who listened and gave advices, who was open for advices and contradictory ideas, who was there for you to cook for you and be with you.

We caught up in the car, on our way back to Monterey, Jean being our silent faithful driver. Harah informed me of our schedule for the next three days as if she was a travel agent.
Jean and Harah seemed like a married couple already--everything they did seemed natural, and I could sense the maturity and depth of their love when they talked about each other in the other's absence. They looked lovely together. Living in this beautiful city, one of the honeymoon places in this country, maybe they had adapted themselves into a honeymooney couple. And maybe it was them, maybe it was the place, but I had never missed Alvin as much as I did there.

Jean and Harah took me to 17-mile drive, an aquarium, and......many other gorgeous places I cannot remember the names of (sorry Harah :/). One of "Jean's pointers" in 17-mile drive insisted of a path through a luxurious hotel, right besides a huge golf course. The green pastures followed by rocky blue ocean. I couldn't stop letting out my admiration: Waaaaw. Aaah. Ooooh. Haaaa!! Pictures. Food. Food. Pictures. Everything with a good amount of time. And more food. Maybe that's why I like traveling with Harah so much.
I even got to visit a military base with two marines who go to Harah's church to practice their Korean. I expected something I had seen in Hurt Locker, but it was rather....well, unbusy and peaceful.

"You literally saw EVERYTHING around here," Jean would reiterate on my last day there, when we went to a sushi restaurant where Harah used to work at.
"Fiiine. I won't come back to bother you. You come to LA next time, then."

Beautiful people in beautiful places. Another awesome trip with Harah+1. Check.

extras

2010-09-13T19:20:00.004-06:00

I found out that my friends who get gigs as extras get paid more than I do, a full-time worker at a nonprofit.
"Whaaaaaa," I said in awe. I mean, seriously?
If it were for money, I wouldn't have even applied to nonprofits. But the reality seemed somewhat ironic to me.

"Man, I should be an extra on the weekends."
"You should! But most productions don't film on the weekends."
"Ah. Fair enough. Makes perfect sense."
"You can still try. You never know."
Luke kindly instructed me, telling me the process of being one, and working as one. I was and am still hesitant, but thought, what the heck, it would be fun, at least. He told me where to go, and I downloaded the application form: Full legal name, union name, phones, sizes (bust/bra, waist, hips, dresses, pants, shoes), age range, etc. etc. I thought, geez, too much information! Not even my parents know all this. Then casually, "Will you do nude work?"
I still have to get used to this city.

An Education

2010-08-07T10:05:00.006-06:00

Unlike most parents in Korea, my parents never pressured me to study. Even coming from a family full of educators, and an educator herself, my mom supported my dad's theory: one learns the best when traveling, not in classrooms. So instead, we traveled when we could.
I had to beg once to have me go to a private academic institute that everyone else was going. "I'm gonna fall behind!" I'd rant, but my dad calmly said, "you can still keep your grades without going to that. I'd rather pay you the tuition to teach yourself than others teaching you."
I wasn't quite sure what that meant, but it sounded great. I was more motivated to study. And I don't know why I studied so hard, but I did, and thankfully, I enjoyed it. I liked competing with two smart guys (who are now finishing up studying Engineering at Seoul University, the Harvard in Korea), and I liked "pleasing" my beloved teacher.

"...you should tell us why you educate us," firmly says Jenny (Carey Mulligan) to her headmistress (Emma Thompson), after being startled by her parents' reaction to the marriage proposal (you don't need the school if you have a good husband). I paused the movie and thought, yeah, what's the point of the education system when one can learn so much more by "living it"? If you know the answer, or even ideas, please enlighten me. I continued with the film without having a conclusion.

I was not happy with Jenny--I didn't find myself on her side, as it was intended. Carey was dazzling in her beauty and acting, but I found the character hard to love, unlike for many others. I wondered what she was doing the whole time, when it was clear that she wasn't in love with David (Peter Sarsgaard). And I honestly didn't see David being married already, like I did with Up in the Air from the very beginning, and up until then, I believed that he was madly in love with Jenny. And maybe he was. But the idea sickens me now.

The father (Alfred Molina) bringing Jenny some tea and biscuits, and telling her about listening to the radio that announced that C.S. Lewis had moved to Cambridge, and all through the closed door, was heartbreaking. I melted with Jenny and with the father, played by one of my favorite actors. What a wonderful scene. I felt like calling my dad to thank him and tell him I loved him.

Did I enjoy the movie? Yes--it was smart, well-paced, charmingly-acted, and immensely entertaining. Did I like the movie? Well, yes, I think.
Right after watching the film, I sat still trying to think the message the filmmakers wanted to get through. Education system is bad? But Jenny ends up going to Oxford and lives "happily ever after" with a new boyfriend. Don't trust way older men to be your lover? Well, Jenny knew that he was a con, yet still wanted to take advantage of him. It wasn't about trust, really.

Do you have an answer or even ideas? Please enlighten me.

steward

2010-06-02T14:39:00.003-06:00

There's a sinkhole in Guatemala City.
Al Gore is getting a divorce.
Tropical storm hit Central America, killing people in Guatemala, Ecuador, and El Salvador.
The possibility of a "continued war" of North and South Korea is still in the air.
Israel prepares for showdown with two more Gaza aid ships.
An woman stabbed nine people as they slept in a train in China.

Yet our lives move on.
Yet my life moves on.
Still praying and worrying about getting my frigging Californian driver license.
Praying that my car wouldn't be towed, as my guest parking days have expired, and I can't do anything about it until I get my car registered. After I get my frigging driver license.
Still sleeping in the trains to rest my eyes.
Sighing and frowning as I read the articles, yet doing nothing about it.

"The world is going mad," I grumble, yet I don't do anything about it.

how great thou art

2010-05-16T18:03:00.004-06:00

Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to Thee
How great Thou art.

For God's gifts and his call are irrevocable
Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God
How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out!
Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor?
Who has ever given to God, that God should repay him?
For from him and through him and to him are all things.
To him be the glory forever! Amen (Rom 11:29, 33-36).

How great Thou art.
Amen,
Amen.

tabernacle of memory

2010-05-13T22:27:00.004-06:00

"Like wandering Jews, Mexicans had no true home but the tabernacle of memory."
-Richard Rodriguez

I took my coat off, closed the book I'm holding hostage of, and glanced over the tiny window.
I'm here again.
The City of Angels, where my different tabernacles of memory seem to collide, yet merge into other cultures when the least expected.

이번에는

2010-04-07T18:50:00.002-06:00

"Tienes que echarle ganas, Hani."

언제부터인가 계속 쉬운길만 찾아왔다.
나중에 힘들까봐
나중에 고생할까봐
아프지 않으려고
슬프지 않으려고
눈물 흘리기 싫어
눈물 보이기 싫어
나 자신을 보호하기 위해
다른사람들을 밀어내왔고
어리석은 행동임을 알면서도
하면서도 미안해하면서도
내게 쉽게 보이는 길을 걸어왔다.

이번에는 부닥쳐야할까봐.
뻔히 보이는 아픔을 달게 겪어야할까봐.

senior

2010-03-31T18:46:00.003-06:00

2am, and Amy was still working on her project. "I've been a bad student today!" she said. And believe me, Amy is the last person you'd think of when you hear "bad student."
"How did THAT happen?" I asked, as I was getting ready for bed.
"Senior."
Just like that, without any hesitation. Calmly and simply, senior.

When I was a freshman, I was more than ready to go out to the "real world" and start making history. The idea of college seemed insignificant where there were too much to be done out there. Now that I'm a senior, I don't want to get out of this little college world in which I'm, well, rocking. Then the idea of graduating in 5 weeks becomes more nerve-racking than exciting.

Joel and I talked about battling against the materialistic (often referred as the realistic) thoughts in order to do what we really wanted to do. Teaching in Egypt and becoming fluent in Arabic for him, and working for non-profit organizations for me. I thought passion and love were all that mattered. But with this tight monetary reward we'd get by doing what we want to do, we decided that saving for the grad schools we both want to go to was out of question.
But God will provide, my parents always said. He always does.

home

2010-03-11T15:34:00.003-07:00

"Which food comes to your mind when you hear home? Mexican? Korean? American?" Robert asked.
"When I hear the word, I think of my family. No particular food, scent, or place. Just my parents," I replied without hesitation. But that's not all.

I also think of my parents praying out loud constantly throughout the day. I think of my mom singing like an opera singer in the mornings as she fixes breakfast. I think of my dad trying to cuddle with my mom. I think of long family road trips involving deep conversations, jokes, snacks, music, sermons, and some car sickness.

I can easily tell you how much I love Mexico. I can delicately tell you how much I miss Korea. I can now tell you how much I appreciate this small Midwest community in the States. But I can't tell you where my home is.
I used to find great comfort in words such as "our home is in heaven," but Reformed worldview tells me that "our home is on earth as it is in heaven." And I don't mind it. I have faces to imagine when I say home and I will see them soon.

beautiful

2010-02-24T19:20:00.003-07:00

"Too weak. Maybe use a different word like marvelous or splendid," a classmate commented on my paper, and as much as I respect the person, I disagreed.

The word beautiful is simply...beautiful, and no other word can quite convey the same chill I get when I say beautiful.
Don't get me wrong--I don't intend to demean other wonderful words like marvelous, fantastic, stunning, splendid, magnificent, and so on. But I get frustrated as some people order the words to express "the degrees of beauty," often the word "pretty" being on the bottom. In my opinion, they all express different kinds of beauty and there's no point of labeling one "higher" than another. To me, the word "beautiful" has a mild sense of breathtaking pleasure aesthetically and sometimes even morally.

When I watched the Canadian couple Scott and Tessa free dancing on ice, the only word that I could think of was "beautiful"--and they were. Simply beautiful. They danced, smiled, and held each other so gracefully on ice that I believed it all: that they were deeply in love with their dance, that they were enjoying every single second, and that every single movement was a part of who they were.

When I watched Kim Yu-Na figure skating last night, the word I could think of was "stunning." I held my breath throughout the performance despite the confidence she showed from the beginning. I prayed she wouldn't fall, that she would do the best she could. And when she was done, I found myself clapping and screaming in awe. Stunning, I thought. Absolutely stunning.

Both dances were outstanding yet they had different feel to them, and the words that came to my mind reflected it. Maybe it's just me. But I refuse to change the word I chose for my paper. I refuse to believe that the word "beautiful" is somehow weaker than "marvelous" or "splendid."

Beautiful.
I love the subtle chill the word offers.

religion and intolerance

2010-02-17T12:34:00.002-07:00

"[Guiso, Sapienza, and Zingales] found that people who were raised religiously were more intolerant and less sympathetic to women's rights."
-Journal of Monetary Economics, 2003

Three fairly opinionated female students, two thoughtful and respectful male students, and the professor who did the research for his book we're helping with talked about this for the most part of our regular meeting.
The discussions moved further as we mentioned women in church offices, church limitations, homosexuality, church's lack of tolerance, what is sin, and so on. And of course, there was no conclusion. I don't even know if there can be a conclusion. We still believe what we believed before the discussion only this time, with more reasoning and justification.

But I'm still startled. Is their finding still true?
How has this happened?

Ellah Acosta

2010-01-25T18:07:00.004-07:00

"Aaaa, me voy a morir Andres, me voy a morir."
"No te vas a morir, Vero. Respira."
"No si, si me voy a morir. Aaaa ya ya ya ya"
And I just stood there thinking I was never going to have a baby.
It was too intense and painful to be in the room. I felt powerless and useless as I couldn't share the pain. So I excused myself and called my mom.

"But what if she really dies? What about the baby? What about Andres? What should I do? What can I do?" I was freaking out.
"I said that too twice and I'm still alive. She'll be fine, don't worry," said my mom so calmly and naturally. I wanted to believe her but the painful moans and screams were more real to me.
Time went by too slow. When I first got the news that she might have the baby today, I was simply excited. Then nervous. Then worried. Then anxious.

It was 2:30pm and we all thought the baby would be born at around 10 or 11pm. Vero and Andres had been in the hospital since 7am. And apparently, Vero was about to die--or so she screamed. And she gave birth to Ellah Acosta at 3:48pm. Ana and Tazz came at 4pm and we waited together in the family lounge. We talked about how Mimi would have loved to be there with us and how beautiful the baby was going to be (also how beautiful Ana's baby would be if she had one). And we were right. Ellah Acosta (middle name to be determined yet) was beautiful.7 lbs 10 oz. 21.5 inches.

I couldn't stop smiling in awe. And when I finally managed to take my eyes off Ellah, I noticed how exhausted yet relieved her parents looked. Parents. Suddenly Andres and Vero seemed so much more mature than me.

"Your family is complete now!" I said joyfully.
"No...one is still missing," Andres said looking at Ellah lovingly.
"No, Andres. It is complete. I never wanna go through the labor again," Vero said, still in pain.
Andres stayed in silence smiling. "We'll see," his smile seemed to say.

We thanked God for Ellah was born healthy and strong, and not with six fingers (Andres' fear) or three fingers (Vero's fear). We thanked God for Vero's hunger and pain, reminding us that she was, after all, still alive.

dating worthy

2010-01-20T11:32:00.008-07:00

"Is it right to date a person you can't see yourself married to?" Megan asked in hopes of solidifying her own opinion for her class.
"Yes," I answered without hesitating. "As long as your intentions aren't abusive, it's worth it for the sake of knowing the other person better. You get to know a person at a different level once you start dating and who knows? Maybe you could see yourself married to him then. Besides, you can date someone you can see yourself married to and find out he's a complete jerk."
Megan chuckled in agreement.
"Wow. And I don't even follow my own thoughts!" I said my surprise out loud.

It was Lydia whose impact changed my perspective. She is always genuinely interested in getting to know people as they are. She would make you feel so comfortable that you'll start telling her everything. She can relate to anyone, anything. So you'll listen to her stories, laugh along, and you'll know her. A beautiful relationship-driven person that she is, she won't forget memories she shared with you. But more importantly, she won't forget you.

"Don't waste your time with the wrong guys. Wait for the God-anointed person and marry him," a doctor's wife I translated for advised when my friends were encouraging me to date as many guys as possible for the experience. And since I didn't want to date guys for experience, I had unconsciously followed the lady's advice.
And here I was, in my twenties, unhesitatingly saying it is right to date "seemingly unmarriageable" guys, for the sake of knowing them better. Because you can't possibly waste your time getting to know someone. Because each individual is worth knowing better, worth your time, energy, and possibly even your marriage delay.

...right?

haunting questions

2010-01-12T19:33:00.005-07:00

My day started at 3:30am today.
Tired of tossing and turning, I decided to get out of my comfy bed and be productive.
I used our big clean bathroom, checked missed calls and texts on my cellphone, turned my Mac on, uploaded pictures, and listened to pastor Tim Chaddik on iTunes while eating Activia and a bowl of cereal.
I put lotion all over my body and wondered what I should wear. A sweater? A jacket? A vest? Pants? Leggings? Boots? Canvas? A hat? Which one though: black? white? blue? pink? long? short? Should I carry a yellow purse? No, it's such a summer color. Black purse is too small (but not as small as my brown or black clutch) to put any textbook in. I should get my orange backpack out. I should wear earrings. But not a necklace. I'll wear a scarf instead.
I tucked my iPod with its red cover in the pocket and went to register. I bumped into Alice and went to have my second breakfast at her place.
Then I went to my first class in a room full of computers, two projectors and screens.
A brief training for work, sharing stories with some friends, more classes, then work. My suitcase finally arrived (I felt no need for anything even with my suitcase missing for 2 days) so I took the tripod and mics to prof. Volker's office. After satisfying dinner, I started unpacking--mostly gifts for my loved ones, dirty clothing, and camera charger. Would they like their gifts? Would they find use of these gifts? Do they need them?It still breaks my heart that I had to keep so many things to myself in the slums: mineral water, bracelet, necklace, shoes, cash, digital camera, notebook, pens... Things I have more than plenty of, yet things these little kids stared at in awe, things they couldn't stop peaking at, things they chased after. We were specifically told not to give anything away unless we can give it to everyone. Impossible.
"Can I look at your pen?" A kid asked while the other kid was playing with my camera.
"Of course!" I gave him my pen and was looking for a moment to get away, "accidently" forgetting my pen and camera in their hands. I have many other pens and another camera in the States. But I was too late.
"It's very pretty," praised the kid as he returned the pen. Gosh, kid. You're not helping.
"This is dead now," said the other kid with my camera. The batteries. He handed it back to me as if it had lost its value.
"Asante," I thanked both of them and put the items back in my sling bag Lem had given me.
What bad have they done that they have to go through such despair?
What good have I done to enjoy Cheez-It even as I write this?

let it be

2010-01-11T13:00:00.003-07:00

"Hani, you better be careful touching the kids. Most of them are HIV positive and who knows what other diseases they might have," said the captain of a NGO medical staff.
"Thanks," I smiled and lifted another kid to receive him into my arms.
"Well, I'm just warning you. You gotta learn how to say no to these kids."
"Yeah, I do need to learn to say no," I said, wishing these kids wouldn't understand English.
I didn't want to say no. Why would I refuse to hold kids? Not only was I there to capture the ministries but also to share and receive love. How could anyone possibly reject to have this so needed warmth anyway? I held the kid even tighter.
"If I die hugging a kid," Danielle started the sentence affirming my theory on our way back to our comfortable guest house.
"Let it be," I completed it.

left behind

2009-12-21T12:50:00.004-07:00

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!" we stood there, shouting with joy. Then we looked at each other and kept shouting, hugging, and hopping. My 5 former roommates were still beautiful and lively. Suddenly my long, dreadful journey to Iowa found its worth.

"What took you so long!!?!?" exclaimed Joel, hug-lifting me. I used to dislike it. It made me feel like a little child dependent on this tall, strong figure. But I didn't care this time.
"Is that a mint? I thought you got a piercing on your tongue in LA. Hey, you never know!" he said with his pierced lips. After finishing up his engineering studies, he wants to go to a grad school for Technical Theatre. Awesome.

"Hani so Yaaaang!" Alex and Nate shouted out and gave me a hesitant hug in the hallway, instantly bringing all the fun memories.
"How much did you miss me? Say, on a scale of 1 to 10?" Nate asked few days later and I hesitated. When he had told me about his drastic change, I wanted to fly back and listen to him so badly. But then, we'd forget each other, busy with our own journeys. His lifestyle has changed drastically and I can't wait to hear his new songs and great testimonies in 3 weeks.

"Stand up!" Alvin gently demanded and gave me a hug. We had been talking so constantly while I was away that I didn't feel like we were apart at all. And it was too early. But still, it was good to see him.

Seth had grown up. Funny, he's only 7 months younger but I could tell he had become even more mature within the past year we hadn't seen each other. All the traveling would do it.

Sam, Alice, Sae Mee, Vero, and the Shims were too familiar. I felt like I was coming back home to them after a short break. Had I ever left this place? Travis talking about...engineering stuff, Emily's sweet chitchat, Kate talking about her future with Nic, literary and honest chat with Laura and Sonya, playing a super random board game with Kelsey and Brit, and naming the zebra thingy on my cellphone with Alex. I needed this. Not all movie-oriented, warm and deeply caring people. I hadn't realized how much, how badly I had missed them until I saw them.
Then I was left behind and it was time to say goodbye again.

My former roommates and I stood in silence, trying to smile and avoid the tears. 3 of them will be student teaching next semester away from home--both where their family is and where their friends are. We each said a heartfelt prayer out loud, tightly hugging in a circle at 1am. But I didn't cry as much as I did at the LAFSC banquet. I will see them soon. So soon that I won't even remember why we had said a tearful goodbye.

“I’m DD tonight”

2009-11-27T16:33:00.002-07:00

I explained why I couldn’t accept his drink, a gloriously truthful excuse.
A wonderful and funny dancer offered to get us a cab and I gently refused and he would get a couple of shots and come back to dance with us. And no one questioned me except Jay, a guy in sushi business who looked like David, ironically sitting next to a guy that looked like Paul. I almost looked around to see an Alvin-alike.
“Right. You can’t or you choose not to?” Jay asked and invited me to go to have Korean BBQ.
"I just ate, but thanks." I really had just had pork bulgogi and spicy soon tofu. And also I barely knew him. 20 minutes tops.

What an experience.
I had never been to such a fun, interesting, clean-danced club.
Velvet Room, a Korean club, opened its doors at around 10pm and I wanted to dance the second I got in. The DJ did an awesome job mixing American pop/hiphop with Korean, and the respective music videos played on 4 big screens. It was impossible to get bored with their music as songs were never played entirely.

As we sat down, our sweet waiter Zen brought us a bottle of whiskey, two coke cans, a fruit platter (delicious pineapple, melon, orange, grapes, watermelon), and cranberry juice with shot glasses, beer glasses, plastic cups, and ice.

Super friendly waiters were busy grabbing and dragging girls to guys’ tables and the guys would offer drinks to girls and start conversations. They call this “booking.” So weird. You should go clubbing while in Korea, Elijah, if you haven’t yet. It’s very different.

The dance floor was fairly big and people weren’t dancing low to the song “Low.” And it took more than 15minutes of dancing in small circles for the guys to TRY to dance right behind me. And with the slightest gesture of “not interested” they would back off and wait for a better timing or find another girl. Security guards were watching out for sexual harassment (I’m assuming) in each side of the dance floor. And oh my…these guys danced with such a style in their chic clothing that I wondered why I hadn’t thought of coming to Korean clubs before.

I loved every second of it until this Brian started getting too close to me. He wasn’t too bad considering I was in a club and it was getting late and people were getting tipsier. But I was having such a great time with my respected space that he bothered me even more.

As much as I loved dancing there, Brian made me realize I was still too naïve to want to go there again. I wish there were dancing places where people solely go to dance and not to hit on girls.
Maybe I will try a salsa club this weekend. There should be a lot more proper dancing involved there. I hope.

holiness

2009-11-19T23:04:00.012-07:00

"F!" I thought and I surprised myself.
What the heck! Did I just think that?
How long before I say that out loud? Dang it.
Without realizing it, I started saying "stupid," "shoot," then "heck," then "dang," then "freaking" and so forth.
"F" and "S" words surround me here that my swearing list might advance.
But I don't want it to.

Christians are called to be holy, so people have their own understanding of how to be visibly different from those "of the world":
Not dancing, not drinking or smoking, not having piercings and tattoos, not swearing, not using modern technology...

"Holiness is not about being nice but it's about being new everyday," said my favorite pastor Tom, and made me reflect on my own understanding of holiness.
I never considered myself holy but I thought I would get there by being nice, when it's really about killing my flesh and being reborn everyday. Set apart for Him, ready to do His will.

"What the heck! This is freaking embarrassing." I said out loud just an hour ago in "Ninja Assassin" premiere. I had been proud of my ethnicity until a couple of hours ago. These Asian girls were screaming and clapping every time Rain was on screen, no matter what he was doing (mostly disgustingly bloody violent stuff. No. I didn't like the film and I knew I wouldn't like it although I secretly hoped I would).
It wasn't necessary. They were super annoying but I didn't have to use those words. I could have just made my face in the darkness and not say those words.
But I did because I keep falling all the time.
Because I've been compromising myself for too long that my standards have been lowered.
Dang it.

this is for the guy i haven't met

2009-11-13T01:35:00.009-07:00

My story is different than his.
As a matter of fact, his story is simply too cute that I don't know how I'll ever top that. What more, his story is already in this lovely process whereas mine is yet to start.
Girls, hold your breath: this is what I'm talking about.

Somehow I ended up watching the video 4 times in the afternoon with different people and still went "aaaaaww you are too cute, man." His eyes literally lit up as he talked about his girl's reaction and it was too heart warming that he didn't even allow me a second to be jealous of his girl. I couldn't help but be genuinely happy for this man and his lucky girl.
Of course she loved it. What kind of person directs, stars, and edits a music video (feat. John Travolta) for a girl who he hasn't met yet? Only Colin. Only for his cute, long-distance, officially "it's complicated" relationship.

Jeremy, a marvelous writer, wrote a short story for his wife Kelsey (then his girlfriend) for her birthday.
Nate, a talented singer, writes songs for his girlfriend.
Charlie, from a rich family, bought a car for his former girlfriend.
My dad, a great cook, used to (and still does) cook for my mom every week.
Colin, a phenomenal director of photography, made a music video for his girl.

Everyone is doing their best for their loved ones unconditionally, in hopes of making their day more joyful. So that they may be happy, so that they can be happy. I'm just thankful that these people are gladly doing the same thing for God.

Jeremy brings hope and grace through his writings.
Nate writes and sings songs to bring the youth before Him.
Charlie supports ministries financially.
My dad cooks to serve and feed God's servants.
Colin witnesses the gospel with and without his camera.

And this is what I long to do for God. But the best fruit of all the provided talents is yet to be determined. So meanwhile, here is for the guy I haven't met yet.
Learn from those guys.

noviembre sin ti

2009-11-06T16:31:00.007-07:00

I should be writing coverage.
But the script was so weird that I don't even know where to start.
I could be reading a pack of synopses.
But I don't want to mess up other ideas with the script I'm supposed to write coverage on.
So instead, here is a quick update:

I went to Barry Manilow's first concert in Hollywood Bowl and stood among women in their 40s and 50s. "Can't smile without you" and "I write the song" were in my head for over a week.
Laser show to Beatles.
Introduced the wonders of Korean Karaoke rooms to friends.
The Jay Leno Show (he's super hilarious).
Pre-interview with Good Neighbors, a NGO that I might apply to work for.

Despite their extreme pickiness, I'm thankful for my bosses.
My direct supervisor's order reminds me of Sally ordering in "When Harry Met Sally."
"You eat so healthy! No wonder you're the way you are," said a guy when I was waiting to pick up my boss' order.
"Thanks," I said, thinking I would never order a veggie burger. And as much as I love salads, I eat my normal burger with fries. You have no idea how much I eat, sir.
But seriously, who asks his intern "Hani, would you be kind enough to go get my lunch please?" Only my boss, who less and less seems like Tom Cruise.
And what kind of a straight boss calls out his intern "darling" when she makes mistakes? Only my other boss, a producer with a great sense of humor.
And her wife (another boss)...impecable even with a kid. She sounds just like her husband minus all the f and s words.

I remember thinking my internship term was too short. But lazy spirit has trapped me in LA, and I wish I didn't have to work anymore so that I can do fun stuff.
Plus, it's already November. Not as cold as in Iowa, not as warm as in Mexico. But still November.
In a month, I'll be heading into the cold arms of Iowa, to witness a lovely couple's wed and to get ready for Kenya. Until then, I need more time. More time to reflect, pray, get to know better some wonderful people I've met, and ultimately to get ready to say goodbye to them.

"Noviembre sin ti es pedirle a la luna que brille la noche de mi corazon otra vez..."

the day

2009-10-16T17:27:00.004-06:00

It's a nice sunny day today after three chilly rainy days in LA.
So as I was walking to Gillette, I felt like it was going to be a fantastic day despite my lack of sleep.
I was wrong.

Large Iced Americano 3 regular 1 decaf for my supervisor. Check.
Graphic layout. Check.
Lunch break. Check.
Wet Chicken Burrito for my supervisor. And here is when it started going wrong.
They said they only served wet burritos for breakfast. And they didn't have half of the ingredients he wanted in his burrito. So I called the supervisor to explain and pleaded the cook to wet the burrito with extra salsa. It was crucial. He had emphasized to make sure that I got wet burrito. "Que mas quiere?" asked a lady in an annoyed tone, and they talked to each other in Spanish, naturally assuming I wouldn't understand them. Sometimes it's the best to let people have their secrecy and privacy, so I kept quiet.
Cover the front desk for an hr. And I had the most nerve racking 30 minutes of my intern life.
I had THE owner of the company on line one, wanting to talk to my supervisor, and someone else was calling so I had to take it (no more than 3 rings! I was strictly told). It was one of the producers asking for someone's contact info I couldn't find. Connected line one with my supervisor, kept looking for the info, and two expected visitors came in. Got them water, and called Scott (another intern) to ask where I could find the info. He was on his way. Line two "What happened to the contact info?!" "I'm still looking into it.." Line three, my supervisor. "Hey for the future reference, get me Mr. Evans right away no matter what. He doesn't like to be on hold."
Scott comes in and starts asking questions I don't have answers to saying, "you're the one who talked with her."
Well, Scott is back. I'm done covering the phone, I thought, but he needed to use restroom. And in that short time, a call comes through and I accidentally disconnect the call. Great humored producer goes "Hani, darling, you disconnected the call! Scott get him on the phone for me now. I don't know where he was calling from so try all the numbers."
A while later, Scott goes "so, what happened?"
Sigh...I think Scott began to distrust me.

Burn a presentation on a CD and take it to the Graphic Services, fill out the request paper. Check.
On my way, a cameraman joyfully greeted "nice day, today. How are you?" I couldn't help but smile and reply "good, how are you?" Aaaaaaaaah I wanted to cry...
I'm nervously waiting for the booklets, hoping I didn't mess up on that one.
Oh please, God. Have mercy and make those booklets perfectly pleasing to my supervisor's eyes.

casting

2009-10-14T01:55:00.010-06:00

You know, I once thought of becoming an actress. Although I'm a terrible liar and own a horrible poker face in real life, I always loved acting and was heavily involved in plays and acts up to high school. But meeting so many great aspiring actors in LA, I'm almost ashamed to say that I wanted to be an actress.
For Jason's short film casting, the actresses had to prepare a monologue and sing a capella. And most of them were AWESOME, both in acting and singing. For the short film that I was assigned as a producer, actors performed a little scene with our reader (also an aspiring actor, who looks just like Zach Ephron, and he knows it), 1. how they interpreted the scene 2-4. with director's acting directions. Oh my..they were awesome. Some of them definitely stood out more than others but really, I was mesmerized by most of them.
It is unbelievable all the time they are putting into a student short film, for small and big parts. All the driving in the rain (apparently, people in California don't know how to drive in rain since it hardly rains here, and it miraculously rained today), hectic, horrifying parking situations, waiting forever for a 3-5 min. audition, and no payment.
Beautiful people. My respects.
Seriously, I don't even know how it is possible to have so many mediocre famous actors on screen (let's not name names. Well, let's: KeRe, JoCu, JuSt..OrBl is trying..I still have faith in him) when all these beautiful people are waiting for their chance.
Too depressing to be true.

dishonesty

2009-10-11T13:43:00.002-06:00

I'm just gonna say it: I've often considered myself as a nice, social, well-balanced person.
It was only a few days ago that I discovered that I could be grumpy in presence of people other than my family. And last night I discovered that I often agreed with people just to avoid further discussions (okay, Alvin, maybe not so much with you).

When I started translating for mission groups and seminar speakers, I was still young. I would be interacting with a group 24/7 and I would think they would forever remember me. But of course, that rarely happened as they parted back to their busy lives after a week of missions, and I'd be pouring my time and heart to different people almost every other week. Then I was tired. I was tired of so many people taking my heart and not giving anything in return. Not even a hi. So I learned how to interact with people without being too attached to them.

I'm not too proud of my skill of befriending many people without emotionally being attached to them. Don't get me wrong, I deeply care for my friends and will be there for them no matter what. But no one really knows what's going on in my life..internally.

Two nights ago, I had one of the most amazing conversations with Esther. I started the conversation of "a girl meets a boy" and God led it to an intimate spiritual conversation. We ended up talking about tongues, prayers, and spiritual manifests. What a gracious night. But it also reminded me of the fact that I hadn't opened up myself with someone else for too long.

Maybe I'm not that nice after all. Maybe I'm just so used to please people that I naturally look nice. Or maybe by pleasing people for so long, I have become nice.
Maybe I'm not that social after all. Maybe I've acquired social skills only to avoid pouring my heart out to people.
Maybe I'm not that well-balanced after all. That's the compliment that my parents and close friends often gave me, but maybe I managed to deceive everyone somehow. I constantly question God for many things that happen in the world and in my life, without being able to balance my own principals and actions.

But I'm trying. To genuinely be interested in people, and to start opening up little by little. To admit that I hate being vulnerable. And not to be afraid of being vulnerable. To be honest. To be crystal clear with my friends, as clearly as my expressed emotions on my face. To let and invite people into my life.

a week of premieres

2009-09-26T16:50:00.004-06:00

The Invention of Lying.
My dear friends were waiting for me with my ticket, while I was running like crazy in Hollywoold Blvd. in hills, and we got in.
Chinese Theater was majestic and to see it so full amazed me.
Ricky Gervais, Jennifer Garner, Rob Lowe, and other cast members sat among us (not by us, us. Just among the audience) and the film started.
Oh.my.goodness. The film was funny. Great original premise and awesome cast (really, Ricky Gervais!?!) and incredible moments. At some point I thought it was too over the top but hey, it was supposed to be over the top, right?
Now. It had lots of profane jokes and as I was laughing, I couldn't believe I was laughing with all the other (probably secular) audience. Was it supposed to offend me? Maybe this film was just reminding us of some biblical stories! Then I was shocked.
Some of the friends who went with me hated the film. They thought the film was telling the audience that God was a lie. Gosh, what was I missing out? Really? Was that what I (as a good Christian) was supposed to feel as well? I was confused. I'm still confused. Please watch the film and tell me if my friends were overreacting or if I, indeed, have become insensible to...my Christianity.

Fame.
I didn't get to watch the film because I didn't actually have a ticket to the premiere but I went to see the celebrities. Didn't recognize anyone in particular. The original cast was performing live before the screening but we had to leave early because my friends were on their way to Britney Spear's concert.
Anywho, I'm anxiously waiting for Step Up 3 to come out. In 3-D with SYTYCD crew!! YEAAAAAHHH!!!!

Surrogates.
An interesting robot film with Bruce Willis. It has a twist that I actually went "whooooa" and it had a different take on the usage of robots. My neck hurt as I was sitting pretty close to the mega screen. And I liked the song in the end. If you like robot films, watch it. If not, watch The Invention of Lying and please tell me what you thought of it.

thinking of you

2009-09-05T17:12:00.006-06:00

I've said that sometimes I wished I would stop meeting new people and spend more time with the people that I already know, you know, rebuilding friendships. Then I realized that the more people I meet, the more I thought of the people that I already knew.

I have three wonderful roommates: Lydia, Esther, and Heidi.
Guaranteed, Alvin would love to hang out with Lydia. She once said "I couldn't have handpicked better roommates," and I completely agree.
Esther reminds me of lovely Tasha because of her cheerful encouragements and especially because she constantly says "he/she is so NICE!" And the way she interacts with guys reminds me of sweet Emily.
Heidi doesn't remind me of anyone in particular and I would love to know her better. She's chill and deep. She's also got this sexy, deep voice that I'll never have. I love it.

It was somewhat creepy to meet Eric, who's just like Bob Taylor in a taller and younger version. A considerate listener/talker and mac lover with thick black glasses in khaki pants. A cultured guy who gets super excited with new Apple products and Seinfeld stuff. Joe looks exactly like Henk. It's too bad that I don't know either of them well. Ian reminds me of Aaron for no reason; they don't look or talk or act or walk the same. Weird. He has some friends that go to Dordt. "Oh, the school all the Dutch people go to!" he said, when I still couldn't believe he knew about Dordt.

Steve's smile somewhat reminds me of that of Daniel's. He likes bands that no one else knows about, just like Todd. Those who discover and like songs 3 years before they actually get popular. I also thought of Alvin so I asked, "do you usually dislike blockbuster movies?" And he said, "not necessarily, but I usually end up hating movies that everyone else loves." Fair enough, I thought.

My favorite fellow(?) filmmakers Jason and Nathan remind me of Aaron and Berk, or even Pete and Nathan G. I envy these people who are both friends and wonderful working partners. And yesterday, I thought I had seen Allison. I must add though, Allison is much prettier and taller, of course.

Every required cool things from school make me go, "oh my..Piper will love this as well." Passing by karaoke rooms and bars, I think of the wonderful time I had with Sarah, Allison, Cora, Emily, Jackie, and Kelsey singing mostly 80 and 90's. Also I think of Harah, as we rocked and rolled in New York, and of Sae Mee and Alice since we longed to go to karaoke rooms so bad. I should go there sometime for all of us.

I can't believe it has only been about 2 weeks since I met these cool people and I already miss all my friends who are at Dordt. Eating, talking, dancing, chitchatting in the library, studying, attending meetings, making cool projects, and watching movies in my absence (and fyi, I'll be in John William's concert tonight in your absence). But hear me out. I think of you often and I wish you were HERE with me. Not so much the other way around.

cineplexity

2009-08-26T01:19:00.002-06:00

I'm not a film geek.
I just got back from playing board games, starting with Cineplexity. Two cards (setting/prep/actors/scene) are in the center and when it's your turn, you are the director. Other players have to come up with a movie and explain the reason they picked that movie. You decide which movie takes the card. Very entertaining, but of course, I wasn't creative or "knowledged" enough.

The first night we (film students) met each other, 9 of us went to watch "Inglourious Basterds." On the way there, every time someone mentioned a movie, lines will be quoted by someone and will be followed by somebody else. I secretly smiled because I could never quote anything. And because I couldn't believe I was riding with these film geeks. And because I felt like I should be one.
We had about 3 hours before the showing so we walked around and entered stores along the way. In Borders, I found a book titled "Obsessed with Hollywood," which had 2500 random questions about films. Out of like 50 that we played, I only knew 2, both related to books. The good side of this is that I was the only one who knew those. Bad side? I didn't know any other ones.

I'm a very subjective film critic so I usually say "I like/don't like/love that movie!" instead of, "that's a great movie!" and don't weigh all the film elements to decide whether I like it or not.
Oh, here is an example. I didn't like "Pulp Fiction" because I could not understand what was so funny and smart about it. Disgusting and gory. So I fast-forwarded..uhm, most of it, I think (I tend to do that). Never watched "Kill Bill"s, and don't think I will. But I liked "Inglourious Bastards" because it made me laugh several times. It did have disgusting scenes like cutting the scalps off, but I only had to look down for a couple of minutes in total. I thought acting was great, stories well-tighten. Plus, Kate called me when the film was almost over (2:02am here, so like 4 or 5am over where she was), and gave me a great news. So there. Say what you want to say, but that's just me being subjective despite my film major.

I don't like to deal with the equipment: carrying it, setting it up, locating the right buttons, protecting it, etc.
So I had chosen to take scriptwriting as my elective course, but I couldn't answer when this want-to-become-a-director guy asked me who my favorite scriptwriter was. "Hmm, uhm..Huh.." I realized that my top movies are all adapted from novels: The Shawshank Redemption, Everything is Illuminated, Big Fish, etc... And..I don't know any scriptwriter's name. How shameful. Oh, and I dream about writing something like my top movies, but all I can come up with is chick flicks. Sigh..

We're still on the "orientation" phase, with interviews coming up. It is super weird to be around all these people who know so much about...about everything I don't know or haven't cared. I almost feel guilty being here. Okay, I don't feel guilty but you know what I mean. Still, I love it here. Classmates are nice and cool, I can walk to many places to do different things, I hear different languages all over, and I will get to hang out with Nathan and his friends, and also with Sonya. And really, it's Los Angeles. City of artists, city of dreamers. Maybe it will make me one.

city=options+culture+people

2009-08-21T01:20:00.001-06:00

When I was in Seoul last summer, I went to several musicals, many of them in courtesy of the TV production and people I met as I was interning there: A Midsummer Night's Dream, Grease, Aida, Marionette, and a couple of Korean plays.
Night's Dream was remarkable as it took place in a club, the actors interacting with the audience..very intimately. As you walk into this club, they take your purses and hand you a bottle of cold tea. There's no seat, you find a spot to stand...and groove. The storyline was obvious and not so skillfully told, but hey, it was super interesting. Very enjoyable ("as long as you're not surrounded by 6 women over their forties dancing around you," said the actor I worked with).
Marionette was (and still is) my favorite, majorly because it was by B-boys, and their dance to the story was breathtaking. I don't even remember how I survived that show. Did I ever breathe? I'm still bummed that I didn't go to see "The Ballerina Who Loves a B-boy." Next time. For sure.

When I went to Chicago, I went to see Wicked. In Orlando, La Nouba, by Cirque du Soleil. Awesome, may I add. It was an eye-opening experience, and I couldn't keep my mouth shut during the entire show. It's amazing what people can do with their bodies. A different dimension of circus. Highly recommend it.
In New York, I was going to see Mamma Mia but didn't work after visiting the United of Nations.

On the way to the UN, I was hit on by an African-American in the subway. A writer/photographer/producer, said his business card.
In Honolulu, on a bus by a local. "You speak good English with a nice voice," said the guy.
In Merida, at school and in shopping malls, and in Cancun, in restaurants and beaches.
In Seoul, on the streets: once in a park by an American, who was teaching English ("how old are you? You've gotta let me buy you a drink...At least give me your number." "Sorry..I don't have a phone"), and once on a rainy day, by a Korean, who offered his umbrella. What a shame. It really could have been romantic. Like the beginning of a cheesy romantic movie. But it wasn't.

It was 1:30am. I was walking home from a subway station, after a long night of witnessing older people going not-so-admirable as they were getting drunk. It was pretty dark and no one was around. After several steps, it stopped raining. I looked up, there was an umbrella. I looked besides me, and there was this guy...who turned out to be a boastful college student. He's been lonely lately. Grrr. I started walking a little faster. He would love to have a drink with me. What is with the drinks? Seriously. I said, "I'm too tired." He asked for my number and name. I said I hadn't memorized my number (which was somewhat true) and that my name was...Hani Kim. Gosh, I'm such a smart liar. He saved his number on my phone and dialed from it. "Other time, then. I live nearby..so..give me a call anytime," he said. I gave him thanks and blocked his number in the elevator. Don't judge me. The situation was creepy. And I was tired. And frustrated with people drinking so much.

All cities I've visited and lived have shaped me socially and culutrally. They have offered me many things to see and learn, tastes to enjoy, interesting people to meet, live music to listen to, places to go, and buses to take. And here I've come again. This time, a little older, a little more mature, and for a little longer.

Gillette

2009-08-14T22:12:00.000-06:00

I never named the Honda.
Jackie had taken "Hani the Honda" and Sarah and I were brainstorming several names for our own Hondas. But I never got a fitting name for my car, mostly because I never thought it as mine. Or didn't want it to be mine. I wanted a problemless car to be mine.
I've had several problems with that car that I had gotten to the point that I was freaking out with the sound of crickets, thinking the noise was coming from the car. Lately on my way to Omaha, the "ABS" sign popped on, and then I lost the fill cap. Not the car's fault, but I still blame it.

And to that nameless car, I gladly said goodbye.

We (with Sam, who had arrived to Rapid City safely) were on our way to Sheridon, WY, where we had a room reserved. We stopped to get gas in Gillette, and decided to grab some food there. When I got out of Walmart with some soda cans, I was excited to eat and finally get a good sleep on a bed. My dad had parked the car. The entire family was outside, waiting for...me? The hood was open. My dad was looking at the engine. Some locals were looking at it, too. My heart started racing. Gosh, I hated that car. I joined the crew and looked at it. Smoke. Melted anti-freezer container. Greenish liquid. Again.

It was 8:30pm, and all autoshops were closed. I called the insurance to see what my options were. Meanwhile, this angelic local couple with tattoos and cigarrettes offered us a ride to a hotel that was close by and gave us a list of autoshops we could go the next day. So that's what we did. The Holiday Inn in Sheridon wouldn't reimburse anything or transfer us to a Holiday Inn in town, so we went to the closest hotel that this local guy took us. My dad and Sam walked to the car next morning and went to the autoshop that the guy had told us about. I get a call from Sam. It's the head gasket. Again! It would take about a week to fix it. Of couse. Now these were our options:
a) Leave the car with the mechanic to get it fixed, rent a car and go to Yellowstone to meet another family, and my dad driving back to return the rent car and get the fixed car.
b) Trade the car with anything that the mechanic would have.
c) Try to sell the car and buy another one.
d) Leave the car and think the rest.

After 3 hours of talking and weighing the options, this sainty mechanic, Harry, offered us a '96 Toyota Avalon that he had put together to give to his son. He had been in Cancun two years ago and loved it. He would like to go there again for a week and rest on the beach. His brother-in-law lives in Sioux Falls. It almost broke his heart when my dad finally said that he was just going to leave the car there.

So now, we were driving a Toyota to Yellowstone. The way to Yellowstone was mesmerizing. Some roads reminded me of Chiapas (Mexico), except that they were better-paved and less junglelike. I was glad that I was driving peacefully in this Toyota. Everything worked better although it looked a lot worse. But I liked this car right away and as a family, we named it "Gillette."

Today as we were driving out of Yellowstone, on a construction road, Gillette started making noises whenever my dad pressed accelerator. But no hatred. I was told that we could make it to LA like this. No regrets. At least my parents are here. At least we can get to LA. At least we are with good friends we met up in Yellowstone. At least we are not driving the other maroon, nameless Honda. At least this is Gillette, and I trust it completely for reasons I don't know.

the journey began

2009-08-12T16:45:00.000-06:00

Picture this. Three Asians around Hardee's in Sioux Center, one in the gas station, one in Hardee's parking lot, and one across the street, all searching for something at 2:30am.
They all ride in the car after awhile and go all the way to the Casey's gas station at 10mi/h. Still searching for something. They do this repeatedly until they finally give up. Hani officially lost the fuel fill cap.
How did I manage to lose it? It's quite simple. I opened the fill cap and put it on top of the trunk, as many professional gas helpers do, and was about to fill the tank but realized the pumpers were closed. So I quickly hop in again and drive to Casey's gas station. I get there and my dad realizes that the fill cap is gone. So he put cooking wrap on it and it took us about 12 hours to get the cap. In Rapid City, SD.
Maybe I was really really tired after driving to and from Omaha. Driving back was quite an experience. It was so SO foggy that it reminded me of an airplane flying through clouds. Except this time, I was holding the wheel and was on the ground. Maybe I'm just so dumbly careless in anything that is related to cars. Yeah..that must be it.

You may have wondered, "why only three Asians? I thought you were on a family road trip!" You see, Sam's flight got switched. So instead of arriving last night to Omaha, he got a flight to Rapid City today in like an hour. Since he was leaving from Cancun, he got a voucher to a hotel room and dinner, and business class seats. Although I got to go to the Mount Rushmore and see Josh Wynia and Erin Mulder (what a small world!), after this long long hours of drive in the fog and annoying "check" sign on due the lack of fill cap (I hope), I'm sincerely jealous. We got to the airport earlier since we hadn't realized the time difference, but I'm thankful that I get to sit on the ground for awhile and take advantage of their free wi-fi.

6 hours yet to go. As soon as I get to the hotel, I'm ready to jump on the bed and wish my car could fly. Or transform into robots. Or sports car. Or Prius.